About six weeks ago, I sent a private group message on Facebook to some of my friends. I was doing research for a project. In the message, I asked my friends to answer a few questions on a particular experience I knew they had all been through. And I asked them to send me their replies privately.
Most of the people in the group were very happy to help me out with my request. A couple of my friends seemed a little skeptical initially, and had follow-up questions. One dear friend of mine left the group without saying anything to me.
For days I replayed what had happened in my mind, trying to figure out the most likely reason for this. It felt awkward to ask my friend. Eventually I came up with a story to explain what had happened: she thought I was being too nosy and annoying, and as a result, she had decided to cut ties with me. I felt sad and rejected.
Ah, the stories we tell ourselves…!
If you have ever thought about it, I’m pretty sure you will agree with this fact: storytelling is a big part of our existence. Storytelling is embedded our genes.
Throughout the centuries, humans have communicated messages and life-lessons through stories, fables and parables. Have you noticed that it is easier to read fiction books than non-fiction books? And when you are trying to grasp a concept, isn’t it easier when you are given a story example?
Stories are powerful! Stories have the power to shape our emotions and ultimately our lives. A story can sound very different, and lead you to very different conclusions, depending on what you focus on and how you tell that story.
The stories we tell ourselves can either help or hurt us in our lives and our relationships. As human beings, we are constantly telling ourselves stories. And when we don’t have complete information, our tendency is to make up stories to fill in the gaps.
Why is that? It’s because our brains are wired to recognize patterns. Our brains actually look out for patterns in our everyday lives and our behaviors. The brain feels comfortable when it can predict what comes next. Our brains like predictable patterns.
Our brains also like to solve puzzles. In fact, science has shown that the brain is ‘rewarded’ with a surge of the ‘feel-good’ brain chemical dopamine, when we figure out a pattern or solve a puzzle. You know that triumphant feeling you get when you solve a crossword puzzle or Word Search, or when you figure out a Sudoku puzzle? That’s good old dopamine at work!
In the absence of full information, the brain will tend to make up a story. The story doesn’t have to be accurate; as long as the brain feels ‘certain’, then it is ‘rewarded’ with dopamine for reaching a conclusion.
The brain does not like to deal with uncertainty; therefore it will make up a story, or make certain assumptions to take the place of missing information, so as to allow it to arrive at a conclusion.
In my example above, the conclusion I came to, (or in other words, the story I told myself), was that I had gone too far in asking for that kind of personal information, and as a result, my friend was offended and had decided to cut me off. I really started to believe that I had lost a friend, I mean what other explanation could there be, right?
So, what DO you do when you find yourself feeling a little ‘off’ because of an interaction you had with someone?
Don’t deny your feelings; recognize that something has upset you. You may feel physical symptoms such as: Tears, Anxiety (racing heart, racing thoughts, churning stomach), Anger (the smallest thing just ‘sets you off’), Replaying the event over and over in your mind, Feeling numb (or emotionally detached).
Identify your emotions; use ‘feeling’ words: (for e.g. disappointed, hurt, sad, angry, confused, scared, worried, ashamed, embarrassed).
Allow yourself to ‘feel’ your feelings, otherwise you will internalize them, which will only make them fester and grow.
Ask yourself WHY you are feeling this way. What is setting you off? Chances are you don’t have full information about the incident. And as a result, you have made up a story about it, which you believe. These stories that we make up are called CONFABULATIONS!
A confabulation in this context is when we fill in gaps in our knowledge by coming up with fabrications that we BELIEVE. When we make up confabulations, we are not deliberately trying to lie, or to muddy the facts. Our brains actually do believe the story we are telling ourselves.
CONFABULATIONS ARE UNTRUE STORIES THAT WE TELL OURSELVES! Confabulations are NOT truth! Confabulations are stories driven by our emotions!
So next time you are upset, tell your brain that it cannot make up a conclusion without complete information. Challenge yourself and figure out where you may have come up with any confabulations.
Train yourself to challenge your first thought about any upsetting situation! Our first thought is usually driven by our emotions and insecurities. Think of your first thought as your first draft. It is incomplete. It is “the story you are making up.” And it is untrue. Why? Because it is based on confabulations!
Some of the underlying insecurities at the root of our confabulations are:
§ I’m not good enough
§ I’m not worthy of love
§ I don’t measure up
§ I don’t belong
§ I don’t fit in
§ Nobody likes me
§ Nobody understands me
§ I’m a failure
§ I’m going to fail
§ They will think I’m an idiot
My fear of rejection was at the root of the confabulation I came up with in my real life example.
So let me finish my story. I found out a few weeks later that my friend had been dealing with some serious medical issues at the precise time she had decided to leave my group.
Get the drift? My friend leaving the group had nothing to do with any of the conclusions I had made, and which had caused me stress! I had completely confabulated!
So next time, before you go creating confabulations that will only make you miserable, here are 3 critically important questions to ask yourself:
§ What additional information do I need to get about the situation?
§ What additional information do I need to get about the people involved in the situation?
§ What additional information do I need to find out about myself?
I realized that I could have saved myself a lot of grief, if only I had sought out more information.
Don’t be caught in your confabulations!
(NB: a lot of the wisdom here is gleaned from the book ‘Rising Strong’ by Brené Brown)
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